Bradley Cooper turned into gay songwriter Leonard Bernstein and suddenly I’m attracted to him


In a bizarre and twisted turn of events, I now want to have sex with Bradley Cooper, the straightest, least hard-hitting man alive.

How did this happen, you ask? We still don’t know. This is largely a mystery. I only know that since photos were released yesterday of Cooper playing famous bisexual composer Leonard Bernstein in the upcoming Netflix drama Maestro, the unthinkable happened: I started to find Bradley Cooper sexually interesting.

It’s true: Bradley Cooper, known so far as the straightest straight man on planet earth, a man who seems to have never washed his hair or learned to fully button his shirts, has gone sexy. I don’t know how it happened, but I guess Leonard Bernstein had something to do with it.

I mean come on. Look at this. Watch what happens when you introduce a straight man to basic grooming. Did JVN make an appearance on set to tell Cooper to stop washing his face with battery acid? Did this man take a actual shower? Or does the black and white cinematography cover up a multitude of sins? I guess it’s a combination of all three. Anyway, my loins are dazed, confused and, let’s face it, excited.

Again, this probably has more to do with Bernstein than Cooper. As one of my all-time favorite songwriters and responsible for the music for “West Side Story” and “Candide,” Bernstein looms large in that little gay heart. He was also – you guessed it – super gay. Yes, he was married to a woman (Felicia Montealegre, played by Carrie Mulligan in Maestro) but according to “West Side Story” contributor Arthur Laurents, he was a “married gay man” who had a lot of extramarital affairs. A love letter chain also beautifully proves this theory. But really, those of us in the know didn’t need proof. You can’t write a song like “Glitter and Be Gay” and not be a little,… you know…impressive.

To make things even gayer, Todd Haynes is producing the biopic, and gay favorites Matt Bomer and Maya Hawke are in the cast. So overall it looks extremely gay and I’m ready.

Unfortunately, this beauty won’t be released until 2023. Until then, shine and be gay, grow your garden, and never forget that sometimes straight men can be hot.

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